Wednesday, December 4, 2013

I Am Wedding, Hear Me Roar

Salt or pepper, catchup or mustard, bread or toast, the basketball game court-side or a booth at the opera, guess what, you can stop making these small bothersome decisions. You do not have to worry about them anymore. No, you are not dead; you are getting married. It is the reason you were born. If you think about it, it is a pretty good deal, actually. I mean, women enjoy making decisions for other people. That is why they are so darn good in the workforce and why there should be a woman president.

If a man were in charge of a wedding, we would have some pretty plain and ordinary ceremonies with very little style and zero class. We would have roses, a woman would have roses, and about two dozen other flower varieties that make roses look good. We would have wedding favors; they would languish for years in someone's attic, closet, or cedar chest. A woman would have unique wedding favors that people would cherish and put on display in their homes.

Men can plan weddings and can come up with beautiful ideas that would enhance the wedding and make it special, but only by thinking like a woman. After the wedding, we would be heading for sports camp or a fishing resort to spend our honeymoons. By listening to women, we instead have a wonderful time lying on a beach being catered to by a staff that wants nothing but our happiness. I would not have thought of it but hey, I will take the beach any day of the week.

From the moment the doctor said, "It's a boy!" A woman started making decisions for you. Does it sound like a bad thing? Well, you would be wrong to think so. If it were not for that woman taking charge at that precise moment, you would have lain there butt naked, shivering in the cold, crying your heart out. (Just like the last time a girlfriend left me.) Women do everything well but what they excel at is making decisions. I am not necessarily referring to major, planetary stuff, although if they were in charge, there would be peace and the planet would be in great shape. I am talking about everyday stuff, weddings included.

Not for the catch and see if this sounds familiar to you because it is a design that was set up by a clever woman centuries ago and, with the patience born of womanhood, has proven throughout the years to be a huge success. From the day that you were born, you were "groomed" to be a loyal and obedient husband. Every decision in your life was made by a woman. She loved you and cared for you and told you what to eat, (and when to eat it) what to wear, (and how to wear it) and what to say (do I need to say it?)

Then came the day that we grasped at our independence and we took control of our own lives rebelliously. When mother lay our clothes out we left them there on the bed. We chose our own set of clothes from the closet and we left for school leaving her standing at the doorway with a defeated look on her face at least, until we were out of site. Then she smiled at our foolishness. After all, the closet is full of clothes that she picked out, not the man-child.

For the next twenty or so years, we believed we were making the decisions that forged our independence, never realizing that we were being cleverly manipulated into becoming the kind of husband she and your new wife's mother decided you would be years before you were born. Now, when you walk into a room and your mother, your mother-in-law, and your wife stop talking and smile at you, you jokingly ask if they were talking about you. They will all look at each other and laugh because they were talking about you. They were talking about how well you turned out and they were also discussing how to "groom" your son. Congratulations, you are about to be a dad.

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